Christmas Puppy- by Preston T Grimmenguts

Three weeks before Christmas
Young Ben-Ben was glued
To the glowing TV
Where he sat and he stewed.

The man in the show,
A tie-wearing yuppie,
Had wrapped in a box
A new Christmas puppy!

His blonde little family
And blonde little wife
Were all so darnn happy
With their puppy-love life!

So Ben-Ben was set,
He had a grand plan:
A new Christmas puppy
Would save his cursed clan!

Dad would stop drinking
And not want to hit.
No bruises for Ben-Ben
Not one busted lip.

Mom would come home
to give kisses and hugs
She wouldn’t steal money
For Colombian drugs

And big sister Suzie
Would sleep with the moon
She’d go back to school
And stop selling her…services.

No cop cars or summons
Or drunks on the curb.
Good bye, late-night johns
And coke in the ‘burb.

So, Ben-Ben ran out
And went straight to the pound.
He looked low, he looked high
‘til the puppy was found.

He was three shades of brown,
with ratty black bangs,
the cutest white drool
and the shiniest fangs.

Ben-Ben ran home
With the pup right in tow.
The boy boxed him up
And slapped on the bow.

But the dog started growling
And thought the boy rude
For in all his haste
Young Ben forgot food

Inside, the dog sat
With no water or bread.
The pup went stir crazy
And craved blood instead

Now Father came in
With a beer in his fist
And twelve in his belly.
He seemed really pissed.

He threw a lamp to the wall,
kicked a box near the tree.
Then he spit on his son
And turned to go pee.

“Not in the corner,”
said Ben as he shrunk,
“Just go in the toilet--”
A glare from the drunk.

Ben begged “don’t hit me,”
And Dad spun around
He clenched both his fists but
Got knocked to the ground.

Tearing free from the box
The cur went berserk
He pounced and he ripped
As he mauled the drunk jerk.

With blood on his face
The dog lost his charms
So he barked “Bye” to Ben
And ran off with Dad’s arms.

With Dad at St. Jude’s,
Ben’s Mommy returned
She was tired and pale,
And her eyes looked quite burned.

If Ben didn’t act
Mom would leave in a day
But with a dog in the house
She’d have reason to stay

Because he was hungry
The first pup was crabby
So Ben knew he needed:
A dog that was flabby!

The pound only kept
The curs who were scrawny
But a pampering pet store
Would have something more brawny

So Ben went to the store
And found a plump male
With big droopy eyes
And a stubby, cut tail.

This dog couldn’t starve;
He had always been coddled.
So Ben pulled him home
As the dog slowly waddled

Ben boxed the dog up
But was sure to include
The thing he’d forgotten:
Forty-three cans of food!

For three feasting days
The dog stuffed his fat face
And he gnawed on the box
For that cardboardy taste.

Ben’s mommy grew restless
And couldn’t stop itchin’
To get a cheap high
She sucked gas in the kitchen

Two weeks before Christmas
The dog was all lard
The box burst at the seams
And he rolled into the yard

To keep the surprise,
Ben pushed the fat mutt
To the back of Mom’s car
And slammed the trunk shut.

While stuffed in the back
The pup still craved for chow
So Ben-Ben still fed
The corpulent cow


Mom couldn’t feel pain
And her trackmarks healed over
So Ben’s mom decided
to not remain sober

So she packed up her clothes
and stole her kids’ banks.
She walked out the front door--
Not a “bye” or a “thanks.”

“I’m leavin’, you jerks
and I ain’t comin’ back.”
Mom could taste her new freedom.
She could taste that sweet crack.

Mom backed the car over
A lone-growing azalea
Then she packed up her clothes
And her paraphernalia

She filled the car to the brim
With her long leather boots
Her pipes and her kit
And her new stolen loots.

But when Mom slammed the door
She dropped some of her “meds”
They rolled like white wheels
Until they stopped dead.

She laid on the ground
And crawled up to the trap
When the dog and junk’s weight
Caused the axle to snap.

So down crashed the car
And pinned Mom with ease.
The pup ate Mom’s legs
Which were severed at the knees.

“It’s working,” Ben thought!
The boy felt so clever.
Though the pup was tossed out,
Mom would now stay forever!

One week before Christmas,
Ben needed a hound
Not too thin, not too fat
Not from store, not from pound

To save his dear family
Ben couldn’t give up
So he looked in the paper
To find the right pup


“Friendly and loving”
Read the classified ad
So Ben rode on his bike
To the dog-seller’s pad.

With slicked-back straight hair
And a golden-chained collar
This hound was a greaser
And cost Ben one dollar

The man slid Ben’s buck
In his silk robe’s deep pocket
“The dog’s crimpin’ my style
and don’t mind the rocket.”

Ben didn’t understand
Nor did he care.
The hound mounted Ben’s bike,
And sniffed Ben-Ben’s hair

“That tickles” Ben said
and the dog settled down
“We have to get home
before Santa’s in town!”

So Ben wrapped him up
And put him under the tree
When his sister came home
With some odd company.

There was a sleazy punk kid
Who paid for his thrills
And Suzie’s sly pimp
Who handled the bills.

Suzie went to work
And her pimp sat and watched
Quality control
To make sure nothing was botched

The john started moaning
While Suzie faked content
The hound overheard
And pitched a red tent.

“Friendly and loving”
was truly the case
For the hound broke free
And humped the john’s face

The john pulled him off
And whipped out his gun
He shot the hound’s leg
And then started to run

The pimp was irate
And was ready to smack
But his pants shifted down
And the hound eyed his crack

Though shot in the leg,
The dog was still roused
So he mounted the pimp
Where his cherry was housed

The pimp knocked him off
And dropkicked the hound
Who soared through the air
And went “smack” on the ground.

The pimp grabbed poor Suzie
To throw her straight to the walls
But the hound woke up red
And went straight for his balls

With one juicy chomp
The dog saved Ben’s sister
And the screaming, fixed pimp
Would no longer be “Mister”

The horny hound dog
Tossed around the pimp’s nuts
while the pimp ran away
to go cry to his sluts.

“You’re through with this job,”
He yelled to poor Suzie
“You’ll never hook again,
You dog-lovin’ floozy!”


The night before Christmas
Young Ben-Ben was thrilled
He had a whole family
And no one was killed

He was the happiest kid
On the whole gosh darn earth
And his darn little family
Regretted his birth.

The night before Christmas
Young Ben-Ben was glued
To the glowing TV
And his family was too

Mom couldn’t leave
For her two legs were eaten.
Dad’s arms ran away
Which meant no more beatin’

And big sister Suzie
Could not sell her self
Not to Santa or Rudolph
Or the sleaziest Elf.

So Ben-Ben was happy
With his family’s new state
And he smiled at them.
Life sure was great!

But one thing was missing
Like Yule without log
So young Ben-Ben went out
To find the new family dog.





--the end